Everything and Nothing
by ibreak4CSI
Summary: [JonathanTammy] I have everything I could ever want. So why am I not happy? !COMPLETE!
1. Default chapter

Summary: Jonathan/Tammy I have everything I could ever want. So why am I not happy? Tammy's POV.

Rating: PG

Notes: First GL fic ever, so could you review, pretty please? Will probably be a two-parter.

--Everything and Nothing--

I stood in front of the mirror, gazing at the picture I made in the wedding dress I was currently trying on. The attendent had gone to retrieve the veil, so I was alone in the store.

The dress was beautiful. So why didn't I feel that...that feeling that a future bride should when she tries on her wedding dress, and thinks about the actions she will be preforming the next time she wears it?

I have everything I could ever want.

A fiance who loves me. A wedding of the century to plan. And safety. Sandy keeps me safe; that is one of the things I love most about him.

So why am I not happy?

My fingers involuntary moved to my neck to fiddle with the little golden heart on a chain. I always do that when I think about him. It's just a reflex that I cannot help. I choose not to analyze the fact that it may be just a little bit symbolic. The fact that it's a heart has nothing to do with the automatic need I have to touch it every time I think of him.

Every time I think of Jonathan.

Why did I do this to myself? Why did my mind have to go and do that? Picture _him_ as the man that I love; the man I was going to marry? That was Sandy. I love Sandy. And he loves me.

But if that's true, then why do I have to keep reminding myself of it?

If it's true, then why do I feel next to nothing when I'm in his arms; but when I'm with Jonathan, I have to surpress the urge to press my lips to his, my body to his, when we're even in the same room together? I mean, what he did to me was unforgivable. But I find that I have already forgiven him. That it makes no difference for what I feel for him.

Wait a second. What was I doing? I couldn't to do this to myself. I was still going to marry Sandy no matter what. My family was counting on it. Admitting this to myself was simply making me feel worse about what I was doing. But if I didn't act on it, it would go away. It had to.

I'm not denying that I feel something for Jonathan. That would be a complete and obvious lie. But physical desire is all I feel, and that is nothing compared to love. Nothing to build a lasting relationship on.

I do not love him. My mind simply made some random irrelevent mistake.

And suddenly, the lights went out.

And the first thing I thought of, the only thing I wanted for that split second, was Jonathan. My first instinct was to jump into his arms, and I probably would have if he had been there. Which made me all the more happy that he hadn't been there. At least I should have been happy. All that I felt was disappointment.

And at that moment, it couldn't have been more clear.

I knew why I wasn't happy.

My mind didn't make a mistake. It simply admitted what I had felt for a long time, and had been too scared to consciously admit.

I may have everything in the world that I _needed_, but nothing that I really _wanted_. I don't want Sandy. I don't want safety.

That is, those things are fine, but I want Jonathan, and all that he brings with him.

And that is dangerous to admit. I don't know what I am going to do with this newly acquired information. I can't avoid him forever.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" I don't even know why I asked the question, but it seemed to fit.

"That's an easy one."

Oh my God.

Jonathan.

TBC...


	2. Safety?

**Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews! I wasn't sure if this was any good! **

**Okay, I think I know what I'm going to do now; I wasn't really sure when I started.**

**It's pretty much Tammy's thoughts throughout the J/T scenes, following the basic storyline and dialogue, although there will probably be some small differences, extended and edited scenes and such. That way, it's not just a recap, but a fic following the same storyline. But if I don't like where GL is taking them, or if I just get tired of writing it, I will make my own ending. Or if they have a happy ending (and I use the terms 'happy' and 'ending' very loosely, considering it's a soap opera and all... lol!), or at least a happy stopping point, before I get tired of it, I will simply end it there! Hope that made sense to you. I know I'm a little behind in events, but I will try to catch up over the weekend. Anyway, here's the next chapter!**

**Rating: Moving up to T to be safe. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely none of the content of this, future, or past chapters. I think that about covers it.  
**

**--Chapter Two: Safety--**

"Then again, maybe it's not safe in here."

He had that right. At the moment, my heart was beating faster than a galloping horse, and I couldn't have cared less about safety.

I modeled my wedding dress for him, trying so hard not to think what it would be like to see him the next time I wore it. Then we got to discussing the things I had left to do.

And then they got brought up.

The vows. He wanted me to say the vows. Vows that are supposed to be for Sandy.

And he wanted me to say them _out loud_ to him.

Did he have _any_ idea what he was asking me to do? I meam, I had just discovered that I loved _him_, and not Sandy. And now he was wanting me to just

"What? No one is here. You are in the dress. Just, look. You hold these. And imagine that you are standing on the altar and looking at the guy that you are in love with. And just say what's in your heart."

The problem was that it would be all to easy to do just that.

But he didn't know that. So here went nothing. It would be pretty easy. He had said to say what's in my heart. So I will. This will be as close as I ever come to telling him that I love him.

"I can't do this."

"Yes. Sure you can. Here. Come on. Hold these." He said, handing me some flowers. "And you pretend I am the guy in the tux. The guy who you want to be with. The guy who you can't live without. You pretend I'm Sandy."

The trance I had been held under by his gaze and his words was suddenly broken at that last word. Sandy. Every time I become lost in Jonathan, Sandy comes up. Which is probably a good thing because if I didn't remember him, I don't think there would be a thing in the world that would stop me from doing something with Jonathan that seems so wrong, but feels so right.

Okay, I could tell that there was nothing I could do to convince him that this wasn't a good idea. So I started. I kept repeating to myself that he was Sandy.

"Sandy. I can't wait to be your wife. Because when I am with you, I feel so safe. Everything's going to be okay. If I know you will take care of me forever. You are so kind and generous and good..."

This wasn't working.

"I can't do this."

I stepped away from him, wanting, needing some space.

"No, you can. Keep going. You're doing fine."

Taking a breath, I continued.

"You are so optimistic. I could be having a really bad day or something really bad happened, and..."

He smiled and suddenly, I knew that I could do this. Thoughts of Sandy faded away, and I thought only about the man in front of me. The man I loved.

"...and then I see your smile and it's like the sun came out again. Suddenly, the world is a hopeful place, a place where we can build a wonderful future together."

No. I couldn't do this. This wasn't right. He was not the man I was supposed to be saying these things to. And I think he knew. He knew that I knew that I wasn't talking about Sandy. I had to speak; had to say something.

"There's more, but that's pretty much how it goes."

"Yes. My turn. Tammy. I can't promise to keep you safe because what we feel for each other isn't safe. It's dangerous. It threatens people. Especially you."

No. He couldn't be doing this. He wasn't talking about Sandy. That was obvious. No. That was the only word ringing in my head. I couldn't..._we_ couldn't do this.

I tried to stop him by saying his name, but he didn't listen. Kept right on going, like I had said nothing.

"I can't promise to obey you because I am not an obedient guy. Truth is, I can't promise you much of anything, especially you won't be the most important person in the world to me. And that there will never be a day where I will stop wanting you or needing you or loving you."

He must have elaborated a little bit. Jonathan didn't love me. Maybe he was just playing a role, after all.

But those eyes...he looked so sincere. I chose to stop things before they could go any further, much as my heart and body were screaming not to.

"Stop! Sandy will be here any minute and so is my mom. You need to leave."

But he refused me. How could he do that?

"Did you not hear me? I said I don't want you to be here. Leave. I want you to go."

"You want me out of here? Fine. I'll leave. You're coming with me."

And the next thing I knew, he was picking me up, wedding dress and all, and carrying me through the way he had come in. I was too shocked to struggle. Plus I knew that it wouldn't do any good.

My half-hearted pleas fell on deaf ears as he continued carrying me. I knew I should have been scared, or at least mad. And I was, at least on the outside.

But on the inside, I enjoyed being the damsel in distress, letting him rescue me from the dark. But I couldn't allow myself that pleasure. It would be wrong. It would be wrong to like the feeling of his arms wrapped tight around me. It would be wrong wrong to want to go wherever it was he was taking me. And oh, so wrong to say to hell with Sandy, and willingly let Jonathan do whatever he wanted with me.

So I didn't do any of those things. I convinced myself that I was mad, and stayed that way, because I knew that to do any of the things I knew I shouldn't do would only cause more pain than pleasure in the end. Because I was marrying Sandy.

I was becoming way too weak.

I needed to get away from Jonathan.

TBC...


	3. Right and wrong

**Notes: Well, I'm glad at least one person enjoyed the last chapter. Thanks for reviewing, Princess Aphrodite-goddess!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GL, I am simply borrowing everything to have some fun! **

**--Chapter Three: Right and wrong--**

_Right is wrong_

_Wrong is right_

_There are no rules_

_For it is night_

Jonathan finally set me down when we got to the bar.

By that time, I really was annoyed. He didn't have to carry me. I could have walked. Although I probably wouldn't have followed him, so he probably had a reason to carry me. But still.

While he went around lighting candles, I pulled out my cell phone. I had to call Sandy. It was too dangerous to stay here with Jonathan. I was seriously beginning to doubt my own ability to resist him.

And my ability to resist myself.

I dialed Sandy's number, but just my luck, my cell wasn't working. I was stuck with Jonathan until the lights came back on. And who knew how long that was going to take.

Jonathan went to fix a sandwich, and that reminded me of how hungry I was.

"You want one?"

"Not in this dress."

"Here." He said, bending down, and tossing me a shirt and jeans. "Ava always leaves a change of clothes behind the bar."

"Switch places with me? I can't get the thing."

"I'll help you."

"No. I'll just keep it on."

"And be miserable?"

I knew he was referring to much more than being comfortable in the dress.

"I'm not miserable."

"Don't you want to eat?"

"I don't even care anymore. J.B., No."

I did; I just didn't want him to help me.

"Just...I'll get it started."

Against my better judgement, I let him.

When I felt the material loosen, I knew he was done. I didn't want to pull away, but I did.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Turn around?"

He obliged, and I changed into Ava's clothes. They fit, and when I was done, I came out from behind the bar.

"I like you better like this."

"Like what?"

"Just...this."

What he said next made my heart jump in my chest.

"You are so beautiful."

"J.B., No."

Yet again, I had to rely on my quickly diminishing willpower.

"Come on, it's dark. You can do whatever you want in the dark. Nobody has to know."

No. That wasn't true. Somebody would know. I would. We both would.

I couldn't...

All rational thought ceased as my gaze locked with his.

Slowly, involuntarily, I felt my hands creep up past his chest to wind around his neck.

It seemed to happen in slow motion. I wasn't conscious of anything but him and me, and the fact that his head was slowly bending towards mine, and I wanted his lips on mine more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Finally, his lips reached mine, and I felt that spark.

The spark of life that I never had with anyone else, including Sandy.

That spark that made it impossible _not_ to respond.

His lips devoured mine, and I returned his kisses with equal fervor.

Even as he picked me up and placed me on the bar, our kisses didn't cease.

Without even realizing what I was doing, I pressed my body against his. I couldn't help it. Sandy never made me feel like this...

Sandy.

Oh my God, what was I doing?

I pushed myself away from him.

"No! We can't do this."

I had done the thing I had promised myself not to. I had let Jonathan kiss me. More than, I had practically initiated it.

"Yes, we can."

He tried to kiss me again. But this time, although I wanted to, I didn't let him.

"Don't!"

"No! No. I said no." I jumped off the bar, and walked a few steps away, effectively distancing myself from him.

Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the memory of what had just happened as easily.

I had a feeling that that kiss was going to remain branded in my mind forever.

"We don't have to stop."

Yes we did. My relationship with Sandy, not to mention my sanity, depended on it.

"Yes, we do! I do. I cannot believe I just let you...this is so wrong."

"Tammy, this is the only thing that's right."

He had followed me, and was invading my personal space again.

"How can you say that?"

"Look at me. Look at me. Don't think too much. Fighting it doesn't make it better. Fighting it gives you time to think. Thinking can be dangerous. Tammy, I love..."

My hand automatically reached up to cover his mouth. I didn't want to hear him say it. I couldn't.

"Don't! Don't say it! I'm with Sandy. He's my life. Marrying him is the best decision I ever made."

"What's this?" His hands reached out to firmly, yet gently, grab my shoulders.

"The biggest mistake."

It broke my heart to say it, but it was the truth. How could I have done this?

"You can choose to live your life in the dark, but I...I choose the light."

Yeah, right. That may have sounded good, but it was nothing close to the truth. I was only saying it to convince him. Not to mention myself. And I wasn't even doing a very good job of that.

That statement only made Jonathan even more upset.

"The only person living their life in the dark around here is you! You don't want Sandy, you want me! But, hey, walk out of here. Go, marry him. Fine. You keep lying to yourself. If that's not living in the dark, I don't know what is!"

Everything he said was hurtful, ridiculous, and...

the complete and total truth.

He knew I was lying.

And the worst part was, so did I.

"Maybe I am lying to myself, but I love Sandy. I'm not going to hurt him."

And that _was_ the truth. I didn't want to hurt Sandy. I couldn't.

"What do you think marrying him will do?"

"We're going to be happy."

"How? You won't be able to stay away from me."

No. He wouldn't do anything to stop the wedding...would he?

"Oh, hallelujah! The lights are on, the place is open. I need a drink. Hi, Tammy."

Reva suddenly walking in startled me, but I was glad that someone had finally come in, so we wouldn't be alone. Thank goodness she hadn't walked in five minutes earlier.

And the lights were on. Jonathan and I had been so wrapped up in ourselves, we hadn't even realized. At least I hadn't. I couldn't really speak for Jonathan at the moment.

There was a definite undercurrent in the room; we were both still upset.

Reva must have sensed it, because she asked if I had been crying. I told her I hadn't been.

A couple small tears didn't count as crying, did they?

"I really do... I have to go. I'm sorry."

"Do you need a lift?"

I appreciated her concern, but I really didn't want her to drive me.

"No, Sandy will come and get me."

"How is that possible? You haven't been able to get in touch with the guy all day."

"I'll keep trying."

"I'll take you." Jonathan volunteered, although I was sure he knew that the last thing I needed was more time alone with him.

"No. Stay here with your mother."

I needed Sandy. But more than that, I needed to escape what had just happened.

And having Jonathan around would not help me accomplish that.

TBC...


	4. Confusion and Comfort

**Notes: I am on top of the world! Or rather hanging from the world's biggest cliff! Err, sorry. I just finished watching Friday's episode (for the second time, lol!), which I recorded. Dang, I can't wait for today's! -takes a deep breath- Okay, just a few more hours...**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything!**

**--Chapter Four: Confusion and Comfort--**

I finally reached Sandy, and he came to pick me up.

I immediately rushed into his arms the way I always do after I have been around Jonathan.

Because for some reason, I am always hoping that somehow, my love has magically been transferred from my cousin to the man I am supposed to be marrying.

But it never is.

And I know that it never will be.

Because you can't choose who you love.

I used to believe that you couldn't make yourself fall in love, but if you tried hard enough, you could stop it.

I know now that that's no where near the truth.

If only it was then I wouldn't be in this mess.

Sandy drove me home, but I was distracted the entire time. I wasn't paying attention to a word he was saying.

"Tammy? I asked you a question."

"What? Oh, sorry. What did you say?"

"I was asking about the wedding invitations, but never mind. What's wrong? Did Jonathan do something to you in there?"

If only he knew.

"No. We pretty much tried to ignore each other. It's just pre-marital jitters, I guess." I said with a smile. My acting skills seemed to have improved dramatically over the last few days. They should be. I had been lying often enough.

Sandy reached over and held my hand in his. It was a sweet action, but it stirred no feelings of love whatsoever inside of me. What on earth had ever made me think that I loved this man? Because I didn't. Not at all.

Maybe it was because I hadn't felt real love before. I didn't know what it felt like.

Or maybe I had just convinced myself that I loved him because he _was_ sweet; he _was _safe and all the things I thought I wanted.

But ironically, I wound up falling in love with someone who I never thought there was even a possibility of me falling for.

Someone who, like my feelings for him, wasn't in the least bit safe.

We arrived at the house, but my mom wasn't there, so we were alone. Which was no big deal; after all it wasn't like we had never been in the house alone before.

So there was no reason to suddenly feel uncomfortable, right?

But the strange thing was, I did.

Which was actually understandable, since I had been making out with another man who was not my fiance less than half an hour before.

So I had a right to be slightly uncomfortable.

Later, after we had been inside talking for a while, I thought I heard voices outside.

So I went to investigate, and found my Aunt Reva and Jonathan arguing about something out in front of the house.

But they stopped abrubtly as soon as I opened the door, and Reva said they were just there wondering if there was anything they could do to help with the wedding.

I looked directly at Jonathan.

"You wanted to help?"

"Yeah, sure."

I could tell he didn't mean it, though. Of course he didn't. He had told me that he loved me. Not in so many words, as I had stopped him, but I knew. It was in his eyes.

And it was returned in mine.

I knew it.

But I had to stop it.

The air crackled with tension, as it always did when we were around each other. Thankfully, we had never really been on each other's good side, so people would think that was the reason.

There was certainly no way that they would ever guess what was really going on.

"I think it is great that the whole family is pitching in to help with our wedding?"

"Well, we want to make sure your day is absolutely perfect. Isn't that right, Jonathan?"

"That's right."

And yet again, he looked like he would rather be anywhere but where he was.

Why was he here? Had Aunt Reva dragged him along? But why would she do that?

But I guess it didn't really matter. They were both here, and nothing was going to change that.

--

Oh, God.

I can't believe he would do that.

Edmund kidnapped my mother.

I tried to console myself by saying that he loved her; he would never hurt her.

But I knew enough to know that that probably wasn't true.

Jonathan had been so considerate, taking RJ out like that when the adults needed to talk.

It's things like that that just make me love him more.

No, bad Tammy! I have to stop thinking like that.

But it's so hard.

Like just now, when Reva all but asked him to leave? He stayed.

And in the back of my mind, I was so grateful for that.

But at the moment, all I could really think about was that my mother might be dead. She might never be able to see her daughter get married.

"It's like she's already gone."

Jonathan reassured me that she wasn't, but his words only helped a little.

"I wish I could believe that. I can't lose my mom, Jonathan."

"Tammy. Don't."

"Hey, it's okay."

And he hugged me. And I hugged him back. I couldn't help it. I needed the comfort. At the moment, I probably would have hugged a cactus if it meant that I might get some reassurance. Although the fact that it was Jonathan I was hugging was an unspoken, yet diffeinite bonus.

"I've got you now. Everything will be all right."

This was the unseen side of Jonathan. The side that he reveals to so few people. The tender, sweet, reassuring side.

"I wish I could do more, too."

I sniffed, and pulled back away from him.

"You already are doing something important. You are making me feel safe. And I need that more than anything right now."

And that was the honest truth.

The men went out to look for Cassie, but Jonathan stayed here with me.

It was after the men told him that they didn't need him, but still.

He could have left anyway; Reva was here. But he didn't.

I watched as the door shut, feeling completely and utterly helpless.

"Mom, please be okay." I whispered.

Jonathan pulled me in for another very un-Jonathan like hug.

"Tammy. It will be all right. I promise. In the end, everything will be all right."

And right then, I believed him.

TBC...


	5. How Does the Story End?

**Notes: Wow, I came really close to hating Reva on Monday! Geez! Who does she think she is? Sorry, yet again, sharing my thoughts on an episode. :)**

**Disclaimer: If you think that I somehow acquired the rights to anything even remotely related to Guiding Light besides a couple recorded episodes since the last chapter, you'd be wrong.**

**--Chapter Five: How _does_ the story end?--**

I sat in front of a trunk of some of Mom's stuff. There were pictures, and other miscellaneous things, and although my hands were busy with the task, my mind was preoccupied with other things.

Jonathan and I were talking, and I couldn't help but think that we were getting along better than we usually did. Inevitably, we were talking about mom and Edmund.

"All my mom did was love Edmund. Even though everyone told her how bad he was for her and how dangerous, she still saw something in him that made her think that it could work, that it could..."

"Be something different, something real."

I sensed that he was talking about more than Cassie, but I didn't want to think about the two of us right then.

He continued.

"But she was wrong about him. Tammy, your mom, she's going to be okay. Edmund... well, Edmund's Edmund, but... he loves Cassie. He thinks he can't live without her, so he wouldn't... he wouldn't."

I could only hope that that was the truth, and Edmund wouldn't kill her in some jealous rage.

"I hope."

"Your mom has got tons of people looking out for her, taking care of her. What about you? Who do you have?"

"I'm okay. I'm keeping busy. I'm just going through her old stuff."

"What is this?"

He asked, leaning over to inspect a picture I was holding.

"Keepsakes from my mom's wedding to Richard. She thought maybe I could use some of them for my own wedding. My mom loved Richard so much. I can only hope that he's looking down now, pulling strings to protect her, like he did when he was alive. Do you think that's possible? Jonathan?"

He got up suddenly.

"You should close that. It smells like mothballs."

"Here."

I tried to hand the picture to him.

"No, I saw it."

"Take it, go on. This photo belongs to you, too. He's your father."

"Just like me, huh?"

"I see some of Richard in you."

"Oh, nah, he's some big super hero in a costume."

"You have your super hero moments. You saved my life a couple of times."

"It's so weird, this guy was like your dad for a while, he was my dad, really. I

mean, I guess all I got from him is his DNA and a trust fund."

"You would have liked him."

"He would have hated me."

"Probably."

But then I reconsidered.

"No, he would have loved you. You're his son. If Richard had raised you, things would have been different. You would have been different. More like..."

I stopped, but he knew what I had been about to say. I cringed as I saw his facial features contort in anger.

"More like Sandy? Too bad. Maybe I could have been Josh's little lap dog. Maybe I'd be engaged to his niece."

I grabbed his arm, intent on making him understand what I had meant.

"No, Jonathan, I just meant if Nate hadn't hurt you..."

"Nate is dead. Marisa's dead. Richard-- dead. All they have left to show for their lives: Me."

"Jonathan! I wish things had been different for you, but if you think I want to change you, you're wrong. I would never want to do that."

I was speaking the truth. I didn't want to change him. Not for the world.

"You wouldn't want to change me?"

I felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes, but I smiled. A real smile, for once.

"No."

"Why not? Everybody else does. I'm a mess. I'm the beast. And you, you're beauty."

I inwardly smiled at his comparison.

"You don't know how the story ends, do you? After the beast is turned into a handsome prince, beauty says, 'donnez moi ma bete.' 'Give me back my beast.'"

I smiled gently.

"Why does she want him?"

He wasn't just talking about beauty and the beast anymore. I could tell that. I shouldn't have continued. But I did.

"Because she loves him."

I didn't lie; that was how the story really went. But I felt the same way, and it was hard to remember that we were talking about a fictional romance, not the current situation betwen the two of us.

"Why?"

I just shrugged. The answer was so basic, yet completely true.

"Because he's him."

"That would never happen in real life."

"Sure. It happens all the time."

I was reassuring him, yet I didn't want to, because this conversation was getting dangerous. I could no longer hide behind the excuse that we were discussing a fairy tale. We had moved to real life.

I could still see that he didn't entirely believe me.

"No. In real life, when beauty gets to make her choice, she chooses the cute guy with the dimples."

"Why is that?"

"Well, maybe because it makes her feel safe and secure. But there are things besides safe, and sometimes safe isn't really safe at all."

What had that remark meant?

"What do you mean?"

"Good question."

Sandy. I suddenly became aware of the fact that Jonathan and I were standing just a little too close together.

I stepped away and pushed my hair back from my face, an action I had a habit of preforming when I was nervous or covering something up.

"Jonathan came to see if I needed any help. Did you hear anything about Mom?"

"Not yet."

Sandy scooted a little closer, and I let him put a comforting arm around me.

I tried to ignore the fact that I wished it were Jonathan's arm instead.

"I'm so worried. Uncle Josh should have called by now."

"Well, this won't bring your mom back, but it may cheer you up. The wedding invitations, they came in the mail today."

"It's hard to think about the wedding when my mom is still missing."

"No, you should think about the wedding. That's what your mom would want."

I looked at Jonathan in surprise, and Sandy turned towards him with feigned cheerfulness. And you could tell it wasn't real. According to Sandy, Jonathan wasn't welcome anywhere near me.

"For once we agree. Take a look."

I really hated the way he treated Jonathan, but I didn't do anything about it.

"Why don't you read it to me."

"'Cassandra Winslow requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of her daughter, Tamara Winslow, to Mr. Sandy Foster.' See for yourself. What do you think?"

"It's beautiful. It's so official, so formal."

My smile felt artificial, as if I were smiling for a picture I didn't want to be in.

"I like it. I hope this is a day we'll never forget."

"I'm sure it will be. I'm assuming you guys have a lot of envelopes to lick. I'm going to get back to the bar."

I inwardly cringed at his tone.

"Jonathan, wait."

He turned back around and I continued.

"Thank you for coming over today."

My eyes begged for him to understand the words that I couldn't say out loud.

"No problem. I hope everything works out for you and your mom."

His eyes never left mine, but Sandy was the one to dismiss him.

"It will. We'll all be fine. Thanks for stopping by."

He left, and Sandy and I went into the living room, carrying the box of invitations.

We sat down on the couch, and I picked one up.

"Tamara Winslow. It's like she could be someone else."

My thoughts involuntarily slipped out of my mouth.

"Sure hope not. They told me I'd be marrying you."

"You are. You are."

"So what happened there before?"

"What do you mean?"

I avoided his eyes, choosing to look down at the invitation instead.

"With Jonathan."

I looked back up, keeping an innocent expression on my face.

"Nothing. He just wanted to make sure that I was okay."

"If you say so."

That was really getting to me. He had done it earlier, in fact he did it all the time, and I really didn't like it. He had no right to treat him like that.

He may have a few months ago, but Jonathan had been changing for the better.

"You know, Jonathan's changed. Ever since Nate died..."

"Forget I even mentioned Jonathan. Why don't we get started on these invites."

Jonathan had always been a touchy subject between us, so I just went along with him. It probably wasn't the best decision, but I didn't feel like starting a fight.

"Sure."

"You know, your mom will be home soon, and then we can get started on our lives together. Once these invites go out, it's for real. There's no turning back."

I put on another fake smile. I was doing that so often, I got the feeling I had forgotten how to really smile. And that wasn't a good feeling.

"You're right. There's no going back."

I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as Sandy leaned towards me to wrap me in his arms.

And I knew it wasn't because of the hug.

As I placed my head on his shoulder, I glanced over at the window.

He was standing there; watching us.

Our gazes connected.

They held for a few seconds, then he turned and walked away.

But those few seconds made such an impact on me that when I pulled back from our embrace, Sandy asked what was wrong.

I smiled at him reassuringly and told him nothing.

Just another fake smile.

Another fake reassurance.

Another fake hug.

All the while, dying of confusion behind a fake facade.

TBC...


	6. Candlesticks and Confessions

**Notes: I can't wait 'til Monday! And by the way, I'm aware that I could probably have done a better job on the first part of this, but I just wanted to get to the T/J scenes! ;)**

**Feedback: Please?**

**Disclaimer: If I owned it...well, I don't, so let's not get into that!**

**--Chapter Six: Candlesticks and confessions--**

She was home! I was so happy and relieved, I could hardly believe my eyes when she walked through the door.

When the hugging rounds were done, she wanted to have a party. Much to Jeffrey's dismay, of course. He kept saying that she should go to bed.

But not my mother! I smiled as she perkily insisted that we have a family party to celebrate.

Later, after Uncle Josh and Aunt Reva arrived, both carrying a bag of mom's favorite meal, we were all talking.

Uncle Josh gave Sandy and I a wedding gift just as Jeffrey came out of the kitchen, bearing drinks.

"Drinks are served. Who needs a drink?"

Aunt Reva was the first to answer.

"I would love some."

"Uncle Josh, I don't know how I can ever thank you."

"Just get married and be happy."

Inwardly, I sighed. If only it were that easy.

Aunt Reva held up her drink.

"You know, that oddly sounds like a toast so I guess I'll go ahead and make it an official one. Welcome home, sis, I'd like to be the first one to welcome you home because the thought was so unbelievably scary that you might... well. And also to you three heroes. You are my heroes because you were the ones who brought her home."

Jeffrey nodded, raising his arm in the gesture of a toast.

"I'll drink to that."

We all laughed, but Reva interrupted.

"I'm not finished yet! First of all, I want to say you're a good team and second of all I'd like to toast to Sandy and Tammy. May you always be safe and happy together wherever the stars may lead you."

My real smile stayed in place, but it felt plastic after the second half of that speech. I knew that if anyone happened to be looking closely, they would notice the lack of brightness in my eyes when that was said. Thankfully, no one did, though. I focused my thoughts on the fact that my mom was now home safe, and that worked. I smiled another real smile, and it felt good.

As we all brought our glasses up to toast to Aunt Reva's not so short speech, I heard knocking.

"Who else are we expecting? Harley, Uncle Billy?"

Since I was the closest, I broke away from the group, and opened the door.

And neither of my guesses had been right. Because Jonathan was stading right outside the door, only a few feet from me.

Our gazes collided, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. My smile dropped, and for a moment, it was just the two of us.

Alone.

But then I snapped back to reality, and realized that we were standing a few feet from the family and my fiancee and I still hadn't said anything.

I managed a "Hi."

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

What was he doing here? It was hard enough keeping him out of my head when we were in the same town, muchless the same room.

My mother's voice right behind my ear startled me.

"I invited him. Come on in."

No. She couldn't have. She wouldn't do that to me. Well, intentionally anyway. She had no way of knowing what inviting him here did to me. I hadn't told anyone how I felt about Jonathan.

"Uh, no thanks. I just stopped by to give you a quick welcome back. I have to go back to the club."

I felt a huge weight slide off my shoulders at that, and ignored the little part of me that was disappointed.

"Jonathan, you are a part of this family and were hurt by Edmund every bit as much as I was."

I turned my head towards her.

"Mom, if he doesn't want to stay..."

I let the sentence remain unfinished, knowing she caught my drift. But apparently she wanted him to stay because she disagreed with me.

"I said I wanted us all to move forward and I meant all. Come on in, have a drink, grab something to eat. It is a party."

Helplessly, I turned back so that I was looking at Jonathan.

With a pitiful smile, for that was all I could manage at the moment, I said "Enjoy," and then proceeded to get as far away from him as I could.

I immedietely went up to Sandy and threw my arms around his neck. I felt guilty for using Sandy as a shield against my feelings for Jonathan, but I had to do something.

There was alot of good-natured banter and discussion during the next half hour. I tried my best to avoid Jonathan, but I felt my gaze being pulled toward him. It was like a force I could not stop. If he was with in my line of vision, I had to sneak a glance every once in a while at least, and when I couldn't see him, I wished that I could.

But once, when I sneaked one of those glances, he turned his head and caught me. We stared into each other's eyes for what felt like hours, but I knew it was only seconds. I came back when I heard Sandy's voice addressing me. I snapped my head back away from Jonathan, and discovered that he had opened the gift Josh had given us earlier.

It was a pair of candle sticks. They were beautiful, but I felt hardly any real joy in receiving them. They were just an all too real reminder that I was getting married in only a few days.

To a man I felt nothing more than affection and slight physical attraction for.

And what was worse was that I even loved another man.

The man I had been passionately kissing only two days before.

Gosh, had it really been two days? In certain ways it seemed less, but in others it seemed like so much longer.

Suddenly, I felt an irrisistable urge to move. So I stood up, finding an excuse in the candlesticks.

"Hey, you know what?"

"I'm going to put these away before I break them because you know what a klutz I am. Anything I touch gets smashed." I joked, attempting to lighten my own mood. Jonathan was nowhere to be seen, and I was feeling slightly less threatened.

But the moment I stepped in front of the doorway to the kitchen, that immediately changed.

Jonathan was standing right inside. And I knew instinctively that he wouldn't move out of the way for me to pass by. So I was going to have to brush up against him.

I took a deep breath and started forward, only to trip over my own feet, and fall...

...straight into Jonathan's arms.

Or close enough to it. I had caught myself, and he had bent down to save the candles. His arms were tangled in mine, and our faces were inches from each other's.

After a few seconds, Jonathan straightened, but I didn't move at all except for my eyes, which followed his action.

I didn't know what it was about Jonathan, but somehow, just seeing him can bring my facade crashing down. I stood there, transfixed in his gaze. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I could only stare.

Stare into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes and melt. I forgot to breathe. I forgot where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. Heck, for a minute, I think I forgot who I was.

Not surprisingly, as I seemed incapable of doing anything at the moment, he was the one to break the silence.

"Hey, smile. Your mom's home; these didn't hit the floor. It's a good day. You should be happy."

Only then did I seem to find my tongue.

"I am."

His head lowered the slightest bit, though he never looked away from me.

"Am I ruining the party for you?"

I could tell he was being sincere when he asked.

But I wasn't being quite as honest in my answer. In fact, I was so confused by the thoughts and emotions swirling around inside of me, I didn't know what the honest answer would be.

I managed a pitiful attempt at a cheerful smile.

"No."

I broke eye contact for just a second, then I looked back up.

"Thank you for..."

I didn't finish. Looking back into his eyes again had been a mistake. I felt myself start to drown in their dark brown depths, but stopped myself with the small amount of sanity I had left. Leaving the sentence unfinished, I walked away as fast as I could.

I threw open the door, walking outside. I stood outside, my back to the house, catching the breath I seemed to have lost during out encounter. I was so confused.

He had to leave. I couldn't do this.

But I wanted him to stay, too.

I heard footsteps coming up behind me, then Aunt Reva's voice.

"You can ask him to go."

I took a deep breath and turned back around.

Somehow, I managed a smile with her. It seemed that only Jonathan could do that to me. Render me incapable of rational thought.

"It's okay."

She didn't believe me. I could see it in her face.

"No, it's not okay. I see how upset you've been since he got here."

So I hadn't been doing such a great job of hiding it? Great. And I was getting married in a few days! What was I going to do then?

"Well, it's a family party and he's family."

I admitted that I didn't really want him there, but cautiously skated the issue of why.

"I don't mean that, honey. He's my son and I love him, but he shouldn't be here. Invitation or, no he shouldn't keep coming after you the way he does."

He wasn't coming after me. He could have if he had really wanted to, much as it pained me to admit it. Because if I were brutally honest with myself, I knew that there had been at least two times today when Jonathan could have kissed me senseless and I wouldn't have minded a bit. Sandy or no Sandy.

"He's not after me."

I tried to make it sound as if I thought the idea was ridiculous.

And yet again, she wasn't fooled.

"I don't mean to hurt you. I don't think he'd ever do anything to cause you pain again. It's... it's not like before, though, Tammy."

I started to walk away, automatically shying away from the subject, but she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back. Reluctantly, I stayed.

"I don't want to talk about this."

I made another pathetic attempt at stopping the conversation from going any further.

"Honey, you have to hear it, because Jonathan constantly finding ways to hang around you is not an act or a game. He has feelings for you, Tammy, real feelings."

Something inside me snapped, and I couldn't lie to her again.

"I know, okay? I know!"

I practically yelled at her, and for a moment, she looked taken aback.

"You know how Jonathan feels? Then everything's okay? You don't have to let him get to you."

"Aunt Reva..."

"Tammy, you have a whole life ahead of you-- a life with Sandy surrounded by people who love you, a person couldn't ask for a better chance at happiness than that. So just concentrate on that, okay? Focus on that and not on Jonathan."

She was right. With Sandy, I had safety. I was happy. I had a good future ahead of me; one that my family and I had dreamed about since I was a little girl.

And I would probably be the fairy-tale happy bride if it weren't for Jonathan. The man who confuses me more than anything.

"But he's..."

I tried explaining, but she cut me off.

"I know. I know, hard to get out of your mind, right? Because he still knows how to push your buttons. He knows how to stir things up in you. I understand that, honey, but time will change that, okay? It will, trust me on that. It will change. In the meantime, just try, try not to hate him, okay?"

For a moment, I just stood there, absorbing what I thought she just said. I thought she understood how I felt; everything up until then had made sense. How could she think I hated Jonathan?

"Hate him? I've prayed to hate him."

This time she looked thoroughly confused.

"What?"

Before I could stop it, the truth come pouring from my mouth. I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes as I was overwhelmed by the strong tide of love that washed over me as I finally admitted it out loud for the first time.

"It would be so much easier if I just wanted to kill Jonathan every time I saw him or if I was afraid of him, but I love him Aunt Reva. I love him so much!"

TBC...(hey, if they can leave off there, I can! LOL!)


	7. This Time

**Notes: SO sorry it took so long; I feel terrible! Just to warn you, this chapter does NOT follow the actual storyline the way the rest of the chapters did. Sorry to anyone who is dissapointed; I just felt like it was better to finish it like this than to leave it to where it would most likely never get finished at all. :)**

**Disclaimer: _Still_ not mine. **

**Dedication: To everyone who reviewed. Thank you all so much:)**

**--Chapter Seven: This Time--**

It's been almost three hours since my confession to Aunt Reva. Since the first time I admitted it out loud, even to myself. I love Jonathan.

The moment I said it, I knew. I barely heard her gasp, or saw her stunned expression. I just knew that I had to end things with Sandy. All the things Jonathan had been trying to tell me finally sank in.

If I married Sandy, it would be forever. A forever without Jonathan. Every single day of my life without his kiss, his touch. Every day without him. And when I thought about that, I got all achy inside. I could barely breathe and it felt like I was going to throw up. I loved him. I didn't care what anyone else thought. I just had to be with him, or something in me would die, and I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

After telling her I had something to take care of, I left Aunt Reva where she was and went to find Sandy.

When I entered the house, I saw Jonathan. I didn't stop to talk or even to make eye contact with him, but just by looking at him, it reassured me that I had made the right choice.

Which was good, because I needed all the reassurance I could get when I went into that room with Sandy. I felt terrible doing it to him, but I had to. I didn't go into details as to why I couldn't marry him, except to tell him that I didn't really love him, which was true. But I think he knew why. I could see it in his eyes; in the way his fists clinched when I avoided his questions.

Finally, after the most uncomfortable ten minutes of my life, it was over. I walked out of that room feeling lighter. I didn't have a ring on my finger anymore, and the burden that it symbolized was finally lifted from my shoulders.

All I needed to do was talk to Jonathan. And although he had disappeared while I was talking to Sandy, I was pretty sure I knew where to find him.

So here I am, standing outside of Outskirts. It's closed for the day, but he's in there. I can hear him restocking the bar.

I can hardly believe I'm actually going to do this. This isn't the Tammy Winslow I know. But really, that's not true. I am Tammy Winslow, and I have always been. It's just that Jonathan is the only one who saw me.

The rest of the world saw a facade that I tried to pretend was me. I even fooled myself into thinking that I was really like that; that I could sacrifice the rest of my life for my family. But in reality, I am just a normal girl, with feelings like any other. Feelings I have denied way too many times, and am about to finally admit to.

But enough of the thinking; I need to act or I will lose my courage.

I entered the bar quickly. Letting my eyes adjust to the light - or rather, the lack of light - I took a few more steps, and there he was.

"What do you want, Tammy?" He stopped what he was doing and leaned with his back against the bar, facing me.

I felt the breath still in my throat as the enormity of what I was about to do hit me. I already knew that he loved me. He had told me so, though not in so many words, since I hadn't let him. But what if he wouldn't take me back? What if I missed my chance?

No way. I would make him love me again if I had to, but I was going to tell him how I felt. I had been running for way too long.

I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn't come.

He raised an eyebrow.

"I gave Sandy the ring back."

He opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head. I needed to get this all out.

"You were right, Jonathan. You told me that I didn't really love Sandy, and you were right. I did feel something for him, it just wasn't love. And I stayed anyway. I told myself that I had everything I needed, even though I didn't have what I wanted." I felt my eyes start to fill with tears, but I pushed on anyway. "But even that wasn't true. Because I _do_ need you. When I think about a future without you, it hurts so badly I can barely breathe." I was full-out crying now. I had to gasp for breath, but I was going to get the rest of this out. "I was so scared, Jonathan. Scared of what you made me feel. But today, I made a decision. I can't live a lie. It would kill me. Without you in my life, I would be nothing. I would die inside without you, Jonathan. What we have may not be safe, but it's the truth. It's more real than anything I've felt in my entire life."

Then I took a deep breath, and I said it.

"I love you, Jonathan Randal. I love you so much it hurts!"

Tears still clouded my vision, so I couldn't see his reaction. But I walked forward anyway, and using my last strands of courage, raised my lips to his and kissed him.

And he kissed me back.

I was so relieved that a fresh batch of tears started up, and I did nothing to stop them.

His tears mingled with mine as we kissed. Passionately, desperately...lovingly.

He was the one to break away, and he leaned his forhead against mine, gazing deep into my eyes. Just like always, I felt hypnotized by his gaze. His gaze that was telling me how much I meant to him, because this just wasn't a moment for words.

We must have been under some kind of spell because we held that look for several minutes, before he finally lowered his head and kissed me again.

And this time, there was something different.

This time, I wasn't going to fight.

This time, I wasn't going to run away back to my safe little world.

Because this time, it was forever.

**The End**


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